


Hold on tight.

by skyblue993



Series: Guide us home [2]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Guide us home: Oneshot, Jonnor - Freeform, M/M, Pack Feels, Tags Contain Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 06:39:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9980858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyblue993/pseuds/skyblue993
Summary: Follow up one shot to:Guide us home.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! so, few things before you read xD
> 
> -I don't know if anyone is still reading Jonnor fics but this wouldn't leave my head and I just had to write it down.  
> -No tags because contain spoilers but just so you know this isn't going to be fluff.  
> -This one-shot belongs to the fanfiction "Guide us home." and I don't think it can be read as stand-alone but feel free to read the original work if you haven't.  
> -I switched to the present tense in this one-shot because it's mostly from Jude's POV.

There are voices playing in your head you can't exactly shut down; they hit you at the most unexpected times and almost impossible to ignore. Jude wants to ignore them. He desperately wishes the noises would just go away but whenever he does close his eyes, if are not voices, it's a _picture_ playing behind those closed eyelids that kick the wind out of his lungs and make him realize that certain ghosts are meant to haunt you for the rest of your life.

Jude's head is buried in the pillow, his whole body tucked up under the comforter as a shield, keeping him apart from the reality that haunts him every day. The surroundings, Connor, _his baby._ He looks at them and the ground feels breaking beneath his feet, so it's just easier to stay in bed, his eyes closed, shutting himself down to everything and everyone. That doesn't make Connor go away, thought, he knows he'll never go away. Jude has tried but so far he's gotten the same answer every time; "I'll never leave you alone." And it made Jude scream louder, harsher, because-- Fuck. How can Connor not understand? How can Connor smile and play with Parker like a parent, like _he_ , is supposed to do? He doesn't deserve Connor. He doesn't deserve Parker. He doesn't deserve this pain. He didn't deserve this end. It feels like a puzzle whose pieces have been shattered to the ground and needs to be picked up together.

"Jude.."

Connor's voice is calm, knowing that despite every attempt, Jude will be tucked up in bed till the end of the day. That has never discouraged him from trying, though and it feels like being stabbed every single day, whenever Connor's voice, soft and caring, tells him, "I made you breakfast."

"I'm not hungry." Is Jude's one and only reply. He doesn't feel the strength to add anything else, right now. It's not like any other day is being talkative, anyway..

He squeezes his eyes shut, his whole frame starts quivering when the bed digs under Connor's weight, a gentle hand then comes to rest on his shoulder from beneath the comforter and Jude wants to cry at the familiar yet cold touch of Connor's fingers playing with the short hair at the nape of his neck.

"You have to eat something.."

Jude squeezes his eyes shut as he shakes his head. He doesn't need food. He just needs what he's lost. He needs their baby. Is that so hard to understand?

"Jude."

Connor's tone becomes sharper, firmer.

"Go away."

He doesn't have to look into his mate's eyes to know how those words are hurting him, settling under his skin. He hears a low growl coming from Connor's throat. It's the noise made by his wildest self, the part of Connor that cannot accept the fact of being useless to the cause, born to protect and take care of his mate.

Then he hears a loud sigh escaping his lips and then those words that trigger something in Jude's chest that makes him shoot his eyes open, "Jude.. this has gone long enough."

Jude's gaze is fixed on the lamp standing on his nightstand for a long moment, taking in the words just being spit out by Connor's mouth with such. ease, like he's just being a stubborn child and over reacting. The thought makes him release a hollow laugh from his throat, his nostrils flaring as he takes in a deep intake of breath.

Was he the one that--?

It's so easy to talk when you don't know what it's like to lose something you've grown attached to. Something that was part of you and that was supposed to--

Jude's eyes glare into Connor's as he sits up on his bed. Rage fires up from the pit of his stomach and comes out his throat through a vomit of words. The first one in a while. That's probably why his throat hurts like a bitch. "There's not such a thing as close to  _enough_  to this feeling, Connor."

Connor's mouth falls open as to reply but Jude's voice cuts him off, "There's not a deadline I'm supposed to respect! I.. Fuck. What do you even know, huh?"

Jude's eyes glisten with tears --for the first time since the day-- and it actually feels good to lash out everything he's been bottling up ever since.

_"What do you even know?!"_

Connor's confused gaze search for Jude's who keeps looking at anything but him in his desperate ramblings of words. "You don't know what it feels like to lose a son."

Jude's mouth falls agape in a sob as soon as the words leave his mouth being stared at by Connor's eyes widened with a mix of shock but mostly searing pain, a glimpse of credulousness is detectable too along a clear "What the fuck" written all over Connor's features and left unsaid because--

“ _Wow”_ There's nothing more left to say at this point.

Connor just stares at his mate for a long moment, not recognizing the man he's been his best friend, his mate, his everything for a very long time. He can't find the strength to give voice to his thoughts, his questions, the myriad of: "How did we end up like this?" "I lose him too. You're not alone in this. We can hold onto each other in our grief." "We never had the chance to meet him but I miss him too, you know, every single day.” and then anger, resentment, hurt being bottled up in those unverbalized thoughts, "How dare you say that? What do you even know about my grief if you spend the whole day in bed dealing _alone_ with your own?" But then Jude just keep going, his voice raw, fired up with anger.

"I had it in me! For three months! and then.. then he was gone! We lost him!"

"Exactly!" Connor fires back with the same high pitched voice, his breath coming short and disarrayed. " _We_! I lost him too!"

"It's not the same." Jude breathes out, his eyes going watery once again at the thought of what has been lost. "You know it isn't."

"Just because you carried him?" Connor asks him, his eyes wide and sounding utterly incredulous that they're actually having this conversation. "This is why it's not the same?!"

"Yes." Jude gulps down saliva, looking down at his hands as being completely unable to say those words and look into Connor's eyes at the same time. "You know it makes a difference." Then Jude's mouth flutters shut as he was just about to add something else but then he's decided to keep it to himself. Connor's eyebrow shoots up, deciding that there's nothing that Jude could say that could hurt him more than what he's just said.

"Just say it." Connor tells him. "You were about to say something so just spit it out."

Jude's still staring at this hands as he murmurs under his breath, almost scared of the weight behind those words.

"I was just wondering that's probably why you're doing a much better job on copying with it than I am."

Those words leave Connor completely speechless. He winces in almost distaste and thinks, "Who are you?". He's almost tempted to verbalize that thought but what's the point if it isn't going to change the way Jude feels?

"Where are you going?" Jude asks him, his voice small and trembling when Connor, unable to keep up with this conversation any longer just stands, turning his back towards him. The distance, both physical and emotional between them causes him a pang of loss in his chest.

Connor walks to the door but then he just caves into the temptation and throws one quick glance to the boy sitting on the bed, trying to find some resemblances with his mate.

There's something, behind those eyes that remind him of Jude but it's almost completely overshadowed by grief, slowly eating his soul up, day after day.

"I have to take care of our son." Connor breathes out with a sigh, then he trails off unsure if to make such a remark considering the tension between the two of them. Then he just thinks 'Fuck it. _No shades_ but it's the truth and perhaps will work as a wake-up call' so he just spills the words, his voice weary and flat.  _"Someone has to."_

He feels like he's been missing it. His baby growing up, holding onto pieces of furniture as he tries to stand up on his own two feet. He's missing it and it does nothing but add more hatred and pain to his wrecked heart. Sometimes he just closes his eyes, listening to the noises and babbling unintelligible words Parker makes through the baby monitor and lets his imagination to wander, keeps wondering the noises Eric would have made if, in an alternate universe, they got to keep him. 

It's not unusual of Jude to start crying whenever those thoughts cross his mind but this time -- today-- once he lets those walls to break, those tears to fall, he can't bring himself to stop.

It's not the sole thought of losing their baby that makes him lose his mind. It's everything that it's has resulted so far; Jude being a failure as a carrier, as the father of their Parker, as a mate. In his messed up mind, everyone is going on with their lives and he's the one refusing to do the same. The thought of Eric is the only thing he can hold onto which he refuses to let go, not yet.

"I have to go back to work." 

Connor tells him two days later. Jude lifts his eyes from beneath the covers and meets the sight of Connor dressed in one of his working suits, staring at him expectantly for a reply.

"Oh." 

Connor raises an eyebrow, letting out a small laugh that probably means, "Good talk, man."

"Okay.." Jude sits up on his bed, his eyes flickering to Parker, holding Connor's hand and hiding behind his leg, looking almost shy. Jude's heart sinks in his chest at the realization that his son is hiding from him.

Jude's eyes start glistening as he watches Connor picks Parker up, about to handing him over to Jude but then--

"No." 

Connor freezes on his spot, his eyes flickering from Parker's bashful expression to Jude's face. He's confused by Jude's sudden vitality. He's clearly is. Jude can't blame him but only now, watching his son hiding from him behind Connor's legs, he has realized how far he's been from them. 

"I'll get out of bed," Jude affirms with a small smile playing at the corners of his lips.

"Oh.." Connor clears his throat, cracking a smile that can only be described as glacial, barely considered as polite. "Okay, then."

"You hear that, bud?" Connor smiles to Parker in his arms, pressing a kiss into his hair causing Jude's heart to stutter in his chest at the sight. "Daddy is going to spend some time with you, today."

Jude finds himself smiling when Parker starts making happy noises, clapping her tiny hands against Connor's mouth, who in the throes of laughing starts peppering his small fingers with kisses.

"Here." Connor's smile is definitely more genuine than a while ago. 

Jude picks Parker up and hugs him tightly to his chest. His heart constricts in his chest when Parker seems to recognize him by pressing his tiny hands to his cheeks, moistened up by tears. His gaze falls down on his son's eyes, pure and bright as they look up, into his own.

"I missed you." 

"He's missed you too." Jude looks up, finding Connor's glistening eyes staring at their son, making happy blabbering sounds. 

"We all did."

"Connor--"

"I have to go to work." Connor cuts his words in his typical alpha voice, basically admitting no objections. Jude has any; just a question, though.

"Can we talk?"

"I have to--"

"Tonight," Jude adds, his voice and eyes pleading for a yes. He's desperate for a yes. His hopes and dreams get brutally crushed when Connor lets out this loud noise of frustration, indicating that talking right now is the least thing he's eager to do. Jude doesn't completely blame him for it. He's been a stranger to his family for the past ten days. He's been shutting everyone out from his bubble of personal grief. He's Said terrible things to Connor, who's been nothing but a perfect mate and father all along, like he should have been. "Please.."  
  
Connor's eyes flutter shut for a brief second as to think this through, "Okay.." He finally exhales. "Tonight."

 

 

Jude watches Parker make a tower of blocks before throwing them down on the floor looking thoroughly amused by the mess, eliciting a small laugh to escape from Jude's lips. He decides to join his son on the floor.

He revels in the way Parker giggles whenever Jude builds the tallest tower of blocks and lets his son to tear it down, realizing how beautiful he is, his little miracle and how awful he's been, lately.

He watches Parker play with his drums with the wide smile stretched across his face and something in his chest breaks, causing him to reach for his son and hug him tightly to his chest as sobs make their way out of his throat. Tears start running down his cheeks, falling on Parker's hair, who looks equally confused and sad seeing his father in such a state. Jude holds him, or in better words, hold onto him, tight. He lets out a wet laugh when Parker's finger starts brushing away some tears before sliding his finger into his mouth.  Jude laughs harder, letting out a choked sob when Parker smiles, going at it again. 

"I love you so much." Jude whispers against his hair, closing his eyes and let loose in the warmth of Parker's hands roaming over his cheeks, pinching his nose and resting on his lips.

"I'm sorry if I've been an awful dad to you, lately. Will you forgive me?"

Parker looks up and smiles while giving something resembling a nod, with his head. It actually makes Jude's heart feel lighter than it has been in a while, despite knowing that Parker probably hasn't grasped what he's said, but then he recalls, his baby is a half werewolf so there's an actual chance that Parker meant it. He decides to try again.

"Will you forgive me?"

Parker doesn't nod this time but he mumbles something like "Yaya." And claps his hands while smiling at his daddy, so yeah.. maybe, maybe Parker actually meant it.

 

 

Connor freezes on the threshold of their kitchen as soon as he's met by the sight of the table settled, a bottle of wine and candles creating a soft, romantic atmosphere in the room. 

"What is this?"

Jude wipes his hands against the fabric of the apron he's wearing.

"What is what?"

"This.." Connor gestures towards the table and the candles, the wine and, oh God, Jude has made lasagna. Connor's cheeks turn pink with a delicate blush rising over them as he says, "I'm.. I'm confused.."

"You said we would talk, tonight." Jude reminds him with a shrug of his shoulders. "Parker is asleep.. s-so since we have the night to ourselves, I thought we could take advantage of every minute, am I wrong?"

Connor shrugs, "I guess so. Yeah."

Jude bites back a smile before giving a small, awkward laugh, gesturing towards the table. "Shall we?"

"Okay." Connor says, his voice small and almost unsure. "I'll just take off my jacket."

Jude smiles knowingly, an eyebrow raised at the words left unsaid between them. Jude doesn't need to hear them. He just knows Connor needs to see Parker after a whole day apart from him but still, "If you wake him up.."

"I know." Jude's chest fills with relief when a bright smile shines upon Connor's lips, brightening up his features.

 

"That was incredibly good." 

Jude blushes at the praise in Connor's voice. Lasagne is his favorite food in the world --aside from pizza-- and Jude's a master lasagna chef. 

"Thank you. I don't think a simple lasagna can make up for how I've been acting lately but I guess it's a start.."

"Jude.."

"No." Jude interrupts him, his eyes pleading. "Please let me apologize to you, Connor."

Connor's eyes soften as he says, "You don't have to."

"I do." Jude counters, his voice breaking in a sob. "I've been nothing but an asshole to you, lately and you still kept being the caring, loving to me and I felt I didn't deserve any of that treatment." He watches Connor's mouth falling open but he stops him by raising a hand in the air, "I said some horrible thing to you. I was selfish and hurt and I lashed out to the least person that deserved such a shitty treatment and I'm so sorry for that, Connor. I swear I didn't mean any of that. I let all that hurt to get the best of me."

"You were right." Connor sighs, shaking his head a bit. "Certain things you said, I mean. They were on point."

"Connor--"

"No." Connor cuts him off with a firm pitch in his voice, "You were right. I shouldn't have assumed if was enough or not enough. There's not a deadline to respect when it comes to healing from the void that the loss of a son brings in someone's life."

"Thank you.."

"But." Connor adds, "It doesn't mean I don't feel the exact same. He was my son, too and you assuming I got over it like nothing ever happened--"

"I'm sorry." 

"I don't want to hurt you by saying this, Jude but you were so busy pushing everyone away and hiding into your own bubble that you can't possibly know what it has been like, for me. You weren't the only one hurt, Jude. You weren't the only one losing a son. You weren't the only one having to deal with a loss. I did, too. I suffered, a lot. I still do, every single day! But life goes on and I had to take care of you, or our house, of Parker while you struggled with your own grief, refusing to talk to me. We are a team. We're mates and you've probably haven't realized that whatever you feel, I feel it too. Do you even know what it feels like? Dealing with my own grief and had to feel your own, being completely unable to do anything about it to make you feel better because you just closed yourself off to me?"

Connor trails off with a sharp intake of breath, watching Jude's lip starting to tremble. He's clearing fighting back tears. "I'm so--"

"I'm not done yet." Connor's sharp voice cuts him off. Jude just obliged by closing his mouth. Connor gives a sigh before admitting, "You had a point when you said that I wasn't the one carrying him and when I smelled your scent in the mix of grief, sadness, tremor.. I also felt inadequacy and that's not okay, Jude."

Connor's eyes lock with Jude as he whimpers softly, "It's not your fault." 

"I--"

Before Jude has the opportunity to blabber over and over again that it's his body that caused it, blah blah blah, Connor stands up on his feet, walking around the table and pulls the crying boy into his arms.

"Stop blaming yourself. I mean it."

"I want to give you a pack." Jude cries against his shoulder, his whole frame trembling with every sob escaping his lips.  "I almost lost Parker the first time and now, because of me, we lost Eric. I actually failed this time, C-Connor."

"You have not." Connor gently reminds him, pressing his lips against Jude's salty own. "I'll be forever grateful for making me a better man and giving me the best thing in the whole world which is Your love and Parker's and even if we haven't met our son, Eric will always be part of this family."

"Do you think he's happy now?"

"I think he wants us to be happy." Connor exhales a breath before lifting Jude's hand, kissing his knuckles. 

Jude smiles through the haze of the tears. "I think so too."

Jude seals that hope with a kiss to his mate, as a new beginning just started. 

 

Connor's boss rewards his hard work with a significant raise in his paycheck. That allows them to move in a bigger house near the shore, three months later.

Parker's first birthday is just around the corner and while Jude's staring out of the window that overlooks the small garden, he sees Connor walking out through the back door, quickly followed by Parker, trailing after him on unstable steps.

Curiosity gets the better of him and quickly comes downstairs, heading out of the door. His eyes growing huge with curiosity at the sight of his mate digging a hole with a shovel.

His eyebrow arches up in confusion as he sits on the grass next to Parker, staring at his daddy, his eyes filled with wonderment and thumb stuck in his mouth. Jude rolls his eyes before sliding out of his mouth but Parker's curious eyes are fixed on his dad's features as he digs the whole.

"What are you doing?"

Connor laughs as he wipes some sweat off his forehead. "Digging a hole?"

"Yeah. I quite got that part, but why?"

"I think our son deserves his own place in this house where we can just commemorate him. It's a fresh start but it doesn't mean we have to let him behind. So, I thought why not planting flower seeds?"

"That's actually a very good idea." Jude smiles, his heart melting in his chest at the fondness filling Connor's voice.

"Do you like the idea, Park?" 

Parker nods his head, crawling over Connor's leg. Jude laughs brightly when Parker starts pulling at Connor's pants, craving for his attention. 

"He's so needy." Connor laughs as he shakes his head.   
  
"I wonder who he got that from.." Jude comments amusedly before coming to reach for his son, pulling him into his arms. "Come on, Parker. Let's leave daddy work, okay?"

Jude's heart glows with affection, a bit of hurt, but mostly positive feelings when Connor gives him one of his smile as to say 'We got this' and plants the seed of sunflower in honor of their son, Eric.

Jude thinks of a thing to write, perhaps on a small memorial or something. They have all the time in the world to think of that, later but one quote stands out above the others and seems appropriate to the kind of flower they're planting.

_"You're not here but your presence is always gonna shine upon our lives."_

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on twitter: En_sky9 and tumblr: Skyblue993


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